After more than twenty years of marriage, I am still learning what it takes for a good marriage.
We are creatures of habit, and some of those habits can cause rifts and resentments that can fester if the annoyed spouse doesn't say something, or if the offending spouse continues the action without regard for others.
We have been working out issues throughout our relationship, most are small things that add up over time. I never made an issue about the toilet seat being up, or not refilling the paper roll, but putting different types of laundry together in the wash drives my crazy. I try to stay calm and teach him and the kids why to do things a certain way if it is important to me, but I don't think I get too overbearing. I am usually very calm, and treat them the way I expect to be treated. That is where I gave up trying to control everything and let them find out why it is important. If they go to use paper and it is empty they may be more likely to remember next time.
Some arguments stem from piles of papers,books and others miscellaneous things around me. I am a serial piler upper and it really annoys my husband. He is a neat nik and wants things put away right away,in their proper place. I do try,but get easily distracted and get around to it much later. Then, he gets annoyed and yells and curses and I get offended or hurt at the words he says.It was a pattern of behavior was both got into.
We have argued about things small and big, and we usually talk it out, or brush it off. We found out that what have been doing is brushing it under a big rug called resentment, and it came uncovered a week ago.
We were arguing about something that seemed small, a disagreement didn't think was a big deal. He, on the other hand, thought I was against him and got seriously mad and said some things he later regretted. This was where I gave up on working things out and said I was leaving.
I was completely serious and started planning to move. He was stunned and panicked. I just had enough of the nonsense. I was, and still am, very hurt. He he since made some serious changes and says he is working on being more considerate. He met with the pastor and seems genuinely ready to give up his anger issues as well as trying to make me more like himself.
A friend sent me a link to a couple who have been through similar problems. We read it together and I can truly say it has helped both of us in different ways. This was the first article we read together: http://www.marriagetoday . He was excited at the prospect of having another chance. I am still skeptical of the promise of change,but I do want to work things out for the better.
I realized what I really had to give up was my own sense of finding fault in everything he did wrong. I have to give up holding in how I feel and not hold onto wrong doings. I have to give up the feeling of being alone and open myself up to trust again,which is not an easy thing.
He found these words written in the Good Book:
1 Corinthians 13:4-8New King James Version (NKJV)
4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.8 Love never fails.
I didn't tell him that we have had a framed print of those words in our living room for at least ten years, and I have read them as a reminder many times. I am going to move it toanother place so we can see it daily.
So, what we should give up is not trying to work out the issues in the relationship, but the preconceived notions that our needs are greater than others'. When we seek God's way first,together, it should be easier than doing it our own way.
We have been sharing things more and praying together more. I am still working on opening my heart after being hurt, but he has been understanding and is giving me space and time to heal. It is his good heart that has kept me here all these years.
One word for those who are hurting...HOPE. As long as you want to try, there is always hope.
You can do as we are, and give up trying it on your own, and work together to strengthen your relationship.We plan on getting counseling to continue our journey and hope it helps even more.
I don't know if this has made any difference to you, but it is what is on my heart to share right now.
I wish the best for you.
Love and blessings,
LC
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