I do not intend for this to be a place to air our marital problems, but more of a confirmation for others to know there are other couples who are going through tough times, and are trying to work through them. Giving up our self-centered lives and focusing more on being a couple.
A few weeks ago, my husband and I had a huge blow out. I had decided at that point that I had had enough of putting up with verbal and emotional bashing, and said I was leaving.
I did not feel upset or scared.Just peace and relief from finally choosing to be free after all the years of battling over every little thing. He, on the other hand, was absolutely stunned that I felt that way. After all, all the other times I just put up with it and we went on like there was nothing wrong. I could not put that mask on any more. I started packing my clothes and items in boxes and moved into the spare room while looking for a place to move into. My emotions were completely turned off, as though a plug came loose and drained all my feelings except peace. He was frantic in trying to understand how I could change so quickly after being together for 25 years. I realized this has been building for a while, and cannot even pin point when I stopped feeling emotionally close.
There were times in the past when we reached a similar point, but we talked things out rather quickly and I stayed. Some changes were made, but after a while,we ended up in the same behavior patterns. We would start irritating each other and resentments would build up for our next battle. I do not want to continue in that cycle. He says he also wants to change, for good this time. He sought counseling and has been reaching out to people who are helping him make the changes. We have been reading The Love Dare,by Alex and Stephen Kendrick. I was not really interested in this at first because I was not sure if I even wanted to reconcile again. Talking about things over and over again has been frustrating because he wants to know how long it is going to take for me to feel emotionally close to him again. well, do you have the answer to that? because I sure do not.
He has been showing me more kindnesses and acts of love in the past weeks than he had in a year. I do not know how to react to them except to say thank you and wonder who he is. When we were at odds I knew what to do or say because it was our norm, but now my standard answers have become dry and caustic and I see how my actions continued the cycle of our resentments and arguments. I also need to make changes in my attitude, but am not sure what or how to change.
I want to feel more but am not ready to open my heart because it has been hurt too many times. I want to return his loving gaze and tell him the same sentiments he whispers, but am feeling confused. I did intend to move out, and even looked at apartments, but I decided to try working it out one more time. That reminds me of another book we are reading by Gary Chapman, called One More Try. It focuses mainly on couples forgetting about splitting up and just stay together for the sake of staying a couple and working out problems instead of separating. I do not necessarily agree with that,because I still need time apart to think things through,but do not have that time or space. He hovers close to me, expecting me to change in front of his eyes.Waiting to see me smile or open my arms for a loving embrace. it may be a while longer before that happens, but he is watching me,constantly..
I am taking steps to being kinder and open to our reconciling. I spend time talking together, reading from the Love Dare, When I do the laundry, I now allow our clothes to touch and not put his in a separate pile. I am even sleeping back in our bed,with a pillow between us. As he watches me sleep..
I am still selfish and self-centered in some ways, but it is taking time for my heart and emotions to heal. I do appreciate his willingness to be kinder and thoughtful, even attending church together and shopping together. I have been accustomed to doing them alone,so it is an adjustment to have him there. It is not a bad thing, just different. I do not have any alone time because he wants to be with me so much. I am not seeing any one else, as he asked me early on. And he said he is not, either.
I do hope we continue to grow closer and to start feeling closer emotionally. Focusing on the positive is most helpful and forgiveness has helped the process. The echoes of his hurtful words still resonate, but they are getting more faint as we move on.
I hope something I said has helped you in some way, even to comsider making a positive change in your own life.
There are people who care, especially God. And me :)
Have a blessed day!
~LC
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